so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
