I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
