fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
