I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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