I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
