I don't remember. Are we still dating?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
