the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
