You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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