Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
