My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
