I want to make a zoo with you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
