You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
