No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have aggressive nipples.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He shit in the fireplace
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
