I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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