umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
how drunk are you?
Several
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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