I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
this beer tastes like vomit already
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
