I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
