I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Plan B is the new Plan A
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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