I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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