***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
