PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
