Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
