My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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