fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.