Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
