I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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