Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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