So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
