hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
