i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
