I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
