Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
