I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
