We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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