Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
