She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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