Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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