I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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