When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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