I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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