Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
