Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You may now shotgun with the bride
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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