I haven't been this sober since birth.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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