just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
They have beer where we have blood.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
