That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
