It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
