All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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