you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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