i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
