Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
