i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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