I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need to calm my uterus...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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