maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
