she woke up with a sticky ear
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
