my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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