He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
