this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
