I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Someone signed my nipple.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
